My friend once told me to follow my heart, i did that every time the situation needs it but i realized not all the time you need to follow your heart, and sometimes u need to control your heart and follow whats right coz you can never be wrong. Yes.,it will be very painful but its the only choice you can have an dother options are still not worth it at that time, options like rekindling the old flame and being martyr? ohh forget it! Heroes are for old times sake, heroes todays dont exist or if they do theyre very rare. I dont wish to have my own statue at all. Anyway, keeping your feelings from pouring or just being naive at all is the most and difficult thing to do so far, being so rude to the one person u know - u just wnat to love anc care and hating him and learning to hate him is the last skill you know but u have to do it - for yourself. Sometimes its not also bad to be selfish at all, sometimes its still good to think of yourself above all else, coz if you allow yourself to be bellittled by anyone for sure even otheres wont respect you. I hate it when people do stupid things in the name of love, i once do it and i once hate myself for being so stupid but do i have a choice, of course i do, and my choice is to become stupid.
In the midst of the night, i came to think of the previous and the present emotional breakdown i once had, i cant still help when tears slowly felt down but get dries immedietly, maybe becaus eof some instance that i lost my self in teh process of loving someone intensely to the point that i forgot to love myself first. Those times were i allowed myself to be treated as someone being shouted, being insulted, being hated and battred emotionally though sometimes some sort of physically. I wonder why i allowed it? i wonder why i allowed some people to do that to me and do nothing at all, does it mean that i deserve that? at that i guess i just thought i am, because maybe i did something that made him do that. But now, when i came to think of it, i sad " I dont deserve it" i dont deserve to be treated by anyone as worst as an animal cause im not, i\and i know i deserved the loved and cared by a man.
If i were to choose if i still want him now back, of course i wanted to, i want him back in my arms, i want to love him, show him my care and caress but after sometime trying to figure out what i went through in his arms, i began to think twice, i began to think thrice and a couple of times if i wanted him back again, cause now, i dont want to compromise myself to the idea of falling in love. Cause if its love at all, why do i alwats fall? and he did not catch me at all, always and almost.